Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Boy, do I know how to pick them or what?

Men.  Apparently I suck at choosing them.

When I was 16, I met SH.  He was nice, sweet, great kisser.   For a while he was really nice.  They all start out that way, right?   But he spent our whole 3.5 year relationship treating me like a 2nd class citizen.  Everything he did was better. Everything he had was better.  He told me i was beautiful. Until I started putting on weight.  I remember one time he was sitting in a chair and I was standing in front of him. He told me i was beautiful, then pinched a roll on my stomach and said "well, that isn't."  Gee, thanks.

At 20, I met TO. He was nice. Treated me well. We had fun together.   But we pretty much used each other for companionship and sex.   Sad to know the only man that treated me well didn't actually love me.

At 21 I met M. At the time I thought he was the best thing to happen in my life.  13 years later and I we are divorced as I learn that he has been emotionally and verbally abusive the whole time.  I had gained a lot of weight by the time we met, and he spent 13 years berating me, criticizing me, and making me feel less than human because of it.

So, now, at 35, I am 90 pounds overweight, a single mom to 2 boys, and a college student.  My self-esteem has been ground so low that I see no hope of ever recovering.  I don't see any man ever wanting me until I lose a ton of weight.  And God only knows when that is going to happen.

In the past 20 years, it has been proven to me that a  man only wants skinny girls.  It's been proven that I am nothing until I am skinny.  I think it will take many years of therapy to get past this.  Too bad i don't have the money for therapy.  The biggest question I have is will anyone love me even if I am skinny? Does it matter?   Should I just not care? Give up and live life alone forever?

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