Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Boy, do I know how to pick them or what?

Men.  Apparently I suck at choosing them.

When I was 16, I met SH.  He was nice, sweet, great kisser.   For a while he was really nice.  They all start out that way, right?   But he spent our whole 3.5 year relationship treating me like a 2nd class citizen.  Everything he did was better. Everything he had was better.  He told me i was beautiful. Until I started putting on weight.  I remember one time he was sitting in a chair and I was standing in front of him. He told me i was beautiful, then pinched a roll on my stomach and said "well, that isn't."  Gee, thanks.

At 20, I met TO. He was nice. Treated me well. We had fun together.   But we pretty much used each other for companionship and sex.   Sad to know the only man that treated me well didn't actually love me.

At 21 I met M. At the time I thought he was the best thing to happen in my life.  13 years later and I we are divorced as I learn that he has been emotionally and verbally abusive the whole time.  I had gained a lot of weight by the time we met, and he spent 13 years berating me, criticizing me, and making me feel less than human because of it.

So, now, at 35, I am 90 pounds overweight, a single mom to 2 boys, and a college student.  My self-esteem has been ground so low that I see no hope of ever recovering.  I don't see any man ever wanting me until I lose a ton of weight.  And God only knows when that is going to happen.

In the past 20 years, it has been proven to me that a  man only wants skinny girls.  It's been proven that I am nothing until I am skinny.  I think it will take many years of therapy to get past this.  Too bad i don't have the money for therapy.  The biggest question I have is will anyone love me even if I am skinny? Does it matter?   Should I just not care? Give up and live life alone forever?

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Happy Valentine's Day..

Or, not..  I hate this day. Always have. Mostly I hate the expectations that come with it.  I hate that all the beautiful stuff I have done for the man I love was never reciprocated.  I believe I once got a box of chocolate tossed to me across the room as he walked in the door after work.  Or maybe that was Mother's Day..  I don't remember. Heck, could have even been a birthday.  Once or twice he bought me truffles, knowing that they were my favorite.  He then proceeded to eat them so I would get fat, and complain if I ate too many.    But mostly, it was a day of expectations and hopes dashed.  I would get my hopes up because he said he may or may not have something planned.  He never did.  I would plan things. He'd complain about them.   I think you can tell how Valentine's Day is going to go by a man treats you the rest of the year.   He was selfish and unromantic. Why on earth did think that would change just because it was Valentine's Day?  Or our anniversary for that matter?    Oh sure, we went on dates. Once or twice a year. Always with a stipulation though.. "Lose 5 pounds and I'll take you out".  Ahh, gotta love conditional love. Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy, doesn't it?

So, why do I hide all the Valentine's stuff on facebook? Not because I'm jealous(okay, maybe teensy bit). Not because I think it's cheesy or I'm bitter or anything. It's because it's a reminder of what I have never had.  A reminder of the love that wasn't shown to me, on pretty much any day of the year. It's a reminder of how hurt I felt when I was rejected so much.  So, what is Valentine's Day to me?  A crappy day of watching other men show the women they love  how much they love them in a cute romantic way.