The Mommy Rest Phenomenon....

There's this thing I call "the mommy rest phenomenon."   It's the radar that toddlers have.  They know.  Somehow, they just know.    Example...

Mom walks in, sees toddler crashed out on the floor.  She sneaks over and lays down quietly. Doesn't make a peep.  She gets quietly wiggles around.  She pulls the velvet blankets around her body.  She snuggles in.   She gets comfy.    She *almost* gets to sleep.    Suddenly, she hears a noise.  No, it can't be!     The sounds of a sleeping toddler waking up.  What?? NOOOOOOOOOOO.  She JUST got to sleep!   Sure enough, toddler walks up, sees her lying so nice and comfy and warm and says "Mama! Dit up!!! Dit up!!!!" and cries until she gets up.  Sighing, and inwardly fuming, she gets up.  What a waste of time that was, for  now she's even more tired than before.

I wish this was just during the day, but somehow, it occurs at night.. You would think the moon would block the radar, but no.  It does not.   If anything, it makes it worse.  

  Umm, is this just at my house????

Parenting is dangerous work

When I married my husband, my mom told him "I hope you always have good insurance. You're going to need it."  12.5 years later and I have proven her, right......   Good grief.  No, it isn't me constantly being sick. It's me being injured or something crazy like that.     Surgeries. Illnesses. Broken bones.  Childbirth.  Medications.   Chiropractor.  Yep, we've needed every bit of that wonderful insurance.   By the way, that's just for me.  That isn't including him or the kids.      And presently, we're using it once more.  Just for me.   Why?  I'll tell you....

  Parenting is dangerous work! Far more dangerous than anyone realizes.. 4 years ago I fractured my right elbow when I fell while skipping in a parking lot with my oldest.    This past Saturday night I managed to tear a muscle in my left calf while playing mini golf with my boys.   How's that for awesome?   Here's how it went..

We got our clubs. We got our balls.  The boys and I headed to the course, excited to do something fun.  The fun ended by the 2nd hole when Sammy decided to throw the balls into the water. Thankfully they float and there was a net to easily fetch them. Cias was put in charge of that.   We move on to the 3rd hole.  Sammy gets distracted by something and forgets about the water.  YAY! Maybe we can move on!
Oh, but it doesn't lost long.  That 2 year old curiosity caught up to him.  What's that?  A bush???  YES! A 2 year olds dream come true!  One by one he steals each ball and throws them in the bush.    A bush that mama can't get into.  Or see into.  The balls are gone.  Gone.   Totally gone.  We decide, sadly, to give up and go home.   But before we do, we have to endure something horrible.  Pain.  Horrid, terrible pain.    I started to stand up and it felt like some one pummeled me with a golf club.   The pain in my calf was so bad that I almost screamed out a very bad word, in front of a bunch of other kids(toddlers, who were playing nicely with their parents.  Obviously they didn't come from my womb).  I manage to stand, grab Samuel's hand and the three of us start walking back to the building.  I tell the boys we'll get ice cream instead.    I hobble inside, grab the nearest chair I can find and  collapse.    Cias orders ice cream and we all sit happily and eat it. Well, Sammy sat happily and ate it.  I tried not to cry from pain. Cias tried not to cry because his mommy was hurt.
   So anyway, we make it to the truck and I call Mike to inform him of what happened and tell him I need him to get Sammy out of the truck.   When we get home, Cias, being the sweet angel that he is, has cleared a way  for me through the house.   I get settled on the couch, we order a pizza and we chill the rest of the night..
Doctors appt. today confirmed that yes, it is a tear in the calf muscle, and yes it will heal soon.   Rest(HA! that's funny), anti-inflamatories and muscle relaxers were prescribed.   Ugh.    This has to heal soon.   My house can't handle mommy being out of commission....

It's gingerbread smashing time!!!

As we wrapped up Christmas and New Year's, we contemplated what to do with these wonderful gingerbread houses we had made.  Normally we just throw them in the trash.  Cias wanted to eat his this year.

Well, out of the blue, my husband pointed to the gingerbread houses and said to me "you should take those in the kitchen and let the boys smash them."   I paused.  I think my jaw may have dropped open.  Could it be?  My husband was suggesting we do something fun and MESSY?  I'm still in shock.  So is Cias.   Daddy doesn't like messes.   Daddy NEVER suggests doing anything messy, no matter how fun it may be.

Well, we loved his idea so much that we decided to take it outside instead.    That way we could be as messy as we wanted to be.   We waited for a day when we had free time after school.   Also happened to be a day when Cias had a friend over.  V is a very, very good friend of Cias'.   Has been since 2nd grade.   So, between the 3 boys, the following carnage ensued.....

This is what they look like when they start...

Hmm, a little bit destroyed. Not much. Why? Well, because when you add some meringue powder to the icing, it makes it stiff and holds shape much better.   

Tasty!

But it still wasn't breaking apart.  So, we got smart. Pulled out the big guns. Moms kitchen mallet. 

As you can see, it worked like a charm.

Yep.. Worked very well. So well, that Sammy didn't want to stop.  

  

Fun times.. Fun times.   And they would have ate more of it, but they were in a hurry to get to the park.. 

Merry Christmas!!

And a very Happy New Year!

So, I'm a little late.   The craziness of the holiday's took a toll and I've been too tired to stay up and attempt to blog.    So today I handed The Tornado my iphone, put him on my lap and started typing.  Ahh, the joys of technology.

Did everyone have a good Christmas? I hope so. I know we sure did.   On Christmas Eve we had our traditional Christmas Eve prime rib and the in-laws.  It was fun.  Delicious.    After that we came home, where Cias begged and begged and begged to open just.one.present! PLEASE!    Mima(my mom) found one that he could open.  It was a Pokemon ball that she had crocheted for him. He loved it.  As did Samuel, who was asleep by then and didn't get to open anything.

On Christmas morning, I woke up bright and early to get the turkey in the oven.   As I crawled back into my nice cozy bed, I heard Cias wake up.   Knowing he was anxious to open a present, or a stocking, I decided I was also too excited to sleep. So I channeled the little boy from the Disneyland commercial and got up and went into the living room.  By then Cias had already dumped out his stocking, went through the goodies and stuffed them back in again, to make it look like it hadn't been touched.  Yeah, nice try.. LOL.    As soon as Sammy got out of bed, he saw the presents, grabbed one and ripped it open. Thankfully it was his.. A blanket from Santa.  :)

Checking out the loot.  That's not even all of it.  More came when the rest of the relatives came.

Soon everyone came, breakfast was eaten and presents were opened.  I didn't get many pictures because I was trying to help Sammy open his presents.  The boys loved all of their presents.    Puzzles, piano, Pokemon cards, Legos, board games.. All the goodies. Plus new bikes!  

 Cias got a Tony Hawk bike. White with cool black markings on it.

Sammy got a cool black balance bike.  He really does like it, despite his face in the picture. LOL

After presents were opened, we ate a delicious lunch of turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, veggies, rolls and more.  All cooked by me.  What a fun and wonderful undertaking that was.  

In all, I'd say it was a very good day.    

Ooh, but before I sign off, I have to tell you about the cake balls I made.    I took a baked chocolate cake, added in some of the most delicious frosting EVER(Thanks to the Pioneer Woman for posting it) and rolled it into balls. Chilled those for a day or two. Then melted some candy coating and crushed up some candy canes.  I then dipped each cake ball into the candy coating and then into the crushed candy canes. The result?  A little ball of heaven..

  

They may not look like much in the picture, but take my word for it, they are GOOOOOD.  :)

Happy New Year Everyone!!!!!!!!

The one where I talk about bullying....

Bullying comes in many different forms, and from many different people.  We all know about physical school yard bullying and how much it can hurt our bodies. But what don't know about is the subtle bullying that comes from words.   "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". We've all heard that, right?  Well guess what, I'm here to debunk that.  WORDS HURT!   As much, if not more than, sticks and stones.
How do we recognize bullying with words?  Sometimes it can be hard.  Scholastic.com has some wonderful information in their article

Bullying: Know the facts about bullying, even if you don’t think bullying affects your child.

They talk about teasing and it's effects on a child.  A child can become withdrawn, not want to be around the person(even if it someone they really like). They can have self-esteem issues. They can feel like no one around them cares.  They can even feel resentment towards the person doing the teasing/bullying, even if it's a loved one.    A loved one, you ask? Yep. Sadly adults who love our children are also doing the teasing/bullying.    Why?  Well, because they have been that way their whole lives and everyone thought it was funny.   They made excuses for her.  They let her continue in order to "keep the peace."    

Well, this mama refuses to "keep the peace."  My house, and my children, are a Bully-Free Zone.   You may not bully me or my children, or my husband.  Not as long as I'm around...

So, how do we recognize bullying by teasing?   Here is how:

-The person who is being teased isn't happy about it. They may laugh, just to cover the fact that they are uncomfortable or to "fit in."

-The teasing is directly hurtful.  Covering hurtful words with a laugh and an "I'm just joking." is just as bad.  It still hurts.

-If the person is too young to understand that words hurt.   Small children can still be hurt by words, but sadly, do nothing about it.  They either can't verbalize it themselves or they have been taught to respect their elders no matter what.  This gives the adult an unfair advantage because the child cannot stick up for themselves.

-Making fun of people, even in a teasing manner, is still hurtful and not okay.

-Is the teasing tearing a person down, or lifting them up?   If it's tearing them down, it's NOT okay.   God wants us to love each other and use our words to lift them up, not tear them down. 

So, what can we do about it?    Well, we can teach our children that bullying and teasing in a hurtful manner is not okay.  Using your words to hurt others is never okay.   If you have a problem with someone, bring it to them directly. Don't use bullying/teasing as a way to retaliate or make your ways known.  

What can we do if we see someone who is bullying/teasing others?  STOP BEING QUIET ABOUT IT!  STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR THAT PERSON!  There is no reason at all that the person doing the bullying/teasing needs to continue.    It doesn't matter if that person is  8 or 108, it's still not okay.   That person needs to learn a new way to communicate with others. If the only way she can communicate with others is by teasing/tearing them down, then I think maybe some counseling is in order because she has some serious problems of her own.    Be it self-esteem issues or a way of getting attention, or because it makes themselves feel like a bigger, better person, whatever it is. It's not okay.    

Kids Health has a wonderful article on teasing and what to do about it.   It's behavior that must be unlearned once it's been learned. It's behavior that needs to stop before it even gets started.  

Here is another article I like:  Bullies, more than sticks and stones, and name calling

If you have anything to add, or any comments, I'd love to hear them.

Thanks! 

The one where I talk about Shaming..

Actually, I have asked a wonderful gentle mom and fellow blogger, peaceondarknights, to do a guest post for me.  Shaming is something I try  my hardest to avoid while raising my boys.    And wether it comes from me, their father, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends or strangers, it all has the same effect.
---------

Shame is an insidious thing.  It can be so subtle and be conveyed by such culturally acceptable phrases, that we might not even realize we are doing it or the message it is sending to our children.   Some parents who would never dream of spanking, still find shaming to be a perfectly acceptable way to show their displeasure or get a point across to their kids.  Some parents, like myself, recognize shaming for the monster it is, but still occasionally spit out pat phrases of disgust rather than thinking through more uplifting and appropriate things to say.  


Here are a few phrases I see used, why I object to their use, and some alternative things to say:
  
Bad boy!  I usually see this directed at toddlers, doing normal toddler things.  Regardless of your opinion on the inherent goodness or lack thereof in humans as a whole, a 2 year old getting into the cookie jar or decorating the bathroom with toilet paper is not being *morally bad.*  Usually they are being inquisitive or exploring their environment.  They are little scientists, discovering their world and figuring out what will happen if they drop their food on the floor.  Does it make a sound?  How fast does it go?  Does it splatter?
At any age, even disobedience or moral wrongs are not helped by the vague proclamation that the child is bad.  All it does is tell the child that their entire human worth is wrapped up in this one mistake.  If it is used frequently, it tells them that their worth is wrapped up in these series of mistakes that they just keep making no matter how hard they try.  Wait.... they make mistakes!  That makes them so fully..... human.  As an adult human, I certainly can relate to how awful I feel when someone berates me and how much better I respond when someone takes the time to gently show me a better way.    


Depending on the age of the child and the issue being addressed, some alternatives are to explain to the child the problem with what they are doing, express how you feel about what they did, redirect them to something more appropriate or work with them to brainstorm ways they can do what they want to do in a more acceptable way.  State clearly what you want them to do "Leave the cookies in the jar," rather than attacking their character.    
  


What on earth were you thinking?!  I find myself spitting this one out without thinking sometimes.  What I really mean is "I just found this mess and I'm shocked and frustrated!"  or "If you had thought this through/used your brain/ thought about how this would affect me you wouldn't have done it."  The first can be much better expressed by saying exactly what I mean and saying how I feel about the situation.  The second is demeaning.  It insinuates that the child is stupid or careless.  I am so glad that today when I closed my husband's online tv show he had loading when I only meant to close the page I was browsing, that he didn't insinuate I was being careless.  How often do we as adults do things that fail to take into account how someone else will feel about it, not out of maliciousness, but maybe because we simply don't know that they have a preference?  Children lack forethought and impulse control because that is the way God designed them to develop.  If those areas of their brains were mature, they wouldn't need parents.  No amount of trying to make them feel stupid, careless or bad is going to force their brains to develop faster.  What it can do is cause them to feel stupid, careless and bad for the rest of their lives. 


Again, the best way to express frustration, is simple to state your own feelings.  It is important to distinguish between feelings and judgments.  "I feel like you were being careless when you broke my necklace" isn't actually a feeling at all.  It's a judgement about what you think the other person was doing and thinking (or not thinking).  "I feel frustrated/sad/upset that you broke my necklace," lets the child know that their actions do affect other people.  When all they hear is your judgement, they will probably think you are attacking them and get defensive.  If they hear your feelings and are of an age where they have developed some empathy, they will be more inclined to respond appropriately.   A great book on this subject is Nonviolent Communication. 
                                                          


Your brother always.... why can't you be more like him?  The comparison.  No two people are alike and if we were all the same, what a boring world it would be.  So telling one child to be more like the other, does not help him become a better person.  It hinders him from becoming the person HE is supposed to be.


Instead of comparing two children, imagine how you would respond if this child was the only one you knew.  How can you build this child up in his unique gifts and abilities?    





Shame, shame (complete with the finger motions).  This one does not even try to disguise itself as something other than what it is- shame.  It is blatantly telling the child that they should feel ashamed of what they have done and can even be done in a mocking way.  I think it is very important to distinguish between guilt and shame.  Guilt is internal and comes from our conscious or the Holy Spirit prodding us to do things differently.  Guilt is a natural, God-given feeling that arises when we do something wrong.  When experienced by an emotionally healthy person, it pushes them towards repentance and restitution.  It is the impetus for changing their behavior TO something better.  Shame, on the other hand, is external.  It is the voice of someone outside ourselves saying that we *should* feel bad, wrong, and dirty for what we have done.  It is embarrassment and fear of what someone else thinks and creates a desperation to get AWAY from the bad feelings, without any goal of where to go.  A child who hears a lot of messages of shame, blatant or subtle, can fail to learn to hear their own conscious and instead learn to use the approval or disapproval of others as their guide for what is right and wrong.     


Again, this only tells the child what not to do and that he should feel bad for doing it.  Imagine that you were just teleported to another planet.  You don't know their customs or their language and you have to figure everything out as you go.  Would it be helpful for them to look at you in disgust and shame you every time you made a mistake?  Or would you appreciate if someone took the time to show you their customs?  Kids don't want to do things that other people will be angry or sad about.  They want to figure out how to get along in this world and often even when they know intellectually, their impulse control and physical ability has not yet caught up to make it possible.  Show them how the world works, explain to them why, and work with them to find solutions to problems.    

The great birthday extravaganza!!!!!!

So, my sweet little boy turned two today.  Two years ago I was lying in a hospital bed recovering from a c-section and nursing my sweet, gorgeous baby boy.    Look at this beautiful face!  

Now, two years later, he is this big beautiful bundle of fun.

Because I like to make their actual birthday special, I decided to throw a small party at a local park.. It was fun.  Some friends, some family and good old fashioned party fun.   Cupcakes(which Samuel and I made together), some balloons and lots of playtime.  Which also means, lots of pictures. :)  

He wasn't too sure about the birthday singing.  He seemed a bit scared.  And he wasn't too sure about the candles.  He wouldn't blow them out.  I guess we better work on that. OOPS.

But this?  THIS was fun!  More leaves than he has ever seen and he gets to play in them all, as much as he wants.

Mima and Papa came tonight too.  They brought a gift with them.  Can you see it? It has wheels.  Awesome.....

It's a hit. He loves it.  Totally cool.

So I brought out the new-to-us toy food that a friend at church gave us.   That was a huge hit. He loves it!   Oh, and that scarf?  Mima made that.  One for him and one for Cias. :)

Now this is what I call a happy birthday boy.  He had a wonderful day of playing and partying and eating whatever he wanted.  He even got one of his favorite foods for dinner-PIZZA!!!

And there is more partying and more presents to open on Sunday at the big family birthday bash.  I'll let you know how that goes.