Just another day....

I saw this and felt the need to share it..

School's Out For summer!!

Sing with me!  School's Out For Summer!!!


Okay, okay, not until tomorrow.  Tomorrow is the last day of school. Super happy dance!!  Tomorrow is my son's last day of school. And his last day at this particular school, since I will be homeschooling him next year.  Yes, we are both very excited about that. He still wants to attend jr. high with his friends though, so he'll head back to public school in 7th grade. Unless things change between then and now.  The youngest is attending preschool, but only for a little while longer. Sadly I have to pull him out because I can't afford the cost of it.  We are all pretty bummed about that. Well, he may not be. I think he's tired of going.    My sweet children are ready to relax and sleep in. So am I. This getting up at 6:30 a.m. thing is getting really, really old.

So, we are ready for fun.. I hope I can dig up enough money to take the kids on vacation this year. We want to take our annual trip to my parents house, so hopefully we'll be able to do that this summer.  And if we're really lucky, maybe we can spend a day or two at the beach too.  But that's another 2-3 hour drive away from my parents house, so we may not make it.  That's okay. We'll have fun hanging out in the mountains and fishing and swimming anyway.

Have a great day everyone!!!!!!!

Boy, do I know how to pick them or what?

Men.  Apparently I suck at choosing them.

When I was 16, I met SH.  He was nice, sweet, great kisser.   For a while he was really nice.  They all start out that way, right?   But he spent our whole 3.5 year relationship treating me like a 2nd class citizen.  Everything he did was better. Everything he had was better.  He told me i was beautiful. Until I started putting on weight.  I remember one time he was sitting in a chair and I was standing in front of him. He told me i was beautiful, then pinched a roll on my stomach and said "well, that isn't."  Gee, thanks.

At 20, I met TO. He was nice. Treated me well. We had fun together.   But we pretty much used each other for companionship and sex.   Sad to know the only man that treated me well didn't actually love me.

At 21 I met M. At the time I thought he was the best thing to happen in my life.  13 years later and I we are divorced as I learn that he has been emotionally and verbally abusive the whole time.  I had gained a lot of weight by the time we met, and he spent 13 years berating me, criticizing me, and making me feel less than human because of it.

So, now, at 35, I am 90 pounds overweight, a single mom to 2 boys, and a college student.  My self-esteem has been ground so low that I see no hope of ever recovering.  I don't see any man ever wanting me until I lose a ton of weight.  And God only knows when that is going to happen.

In the past 20 years, it has been proven to me that a  man only wants skinny girls.  It's been proven that I am nothing until I am skinny.  I think it will take many years of therapy to get past this.  Too bad i don't have the money for therapy.  The biggest question I have is will anyone love me even if I am skinny? Does it matter?   Should I just not care? Give up and live life alone forever?

Happy Valentine's Day..

Or, not..  I hate this day. Always have. Mostly I hate the expectations that come with it.  I hate that all the beautiful stuff I have done for the man I love was never reciprocated.  I believe I once got a box of chocolate tossed to me across the room as he walked in the door after work.  Or maybe that was Mother's Day..  I don't remember. Heck, could have even been a birthday.  Once or twice he bought me truffles, knowing that they were my favorite.  He then proceeded to eat them so I would get fat, and complain if I ate too many.    But mostly, it was a day of expectations and hopes dashed.  I would get my hopes up because he said he may or may not have something planned.  He never did.  I would plan things. He'd complain about them.   I think you can tell how Valentine's Day is going to go by a man treats you the rest of the year.   He was selfish and unromantic. Why on earth did think that would change just because it was Valentine's Day?  Or our anniversary for that matter?    Oh sure, we went on dates. Once or twice a year. Always with a stipulation though.. "Lose 5 pounds and I'll take you out".  Ahh, gotta love conditional love. Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy, doesn't it?

So, why do I hide all the Valentine's stuff on facebook? Not because I'm jealous(okay, maybe teensy bit). Not because I think it's cheesy or I'm bitter or anything. It's because it's a reminder of what I have never had.  A reminder of the love that wasn't shown to me, on pretty much any day of the year. It's a reminder of how hurt I felt when I was rejected so much.  So, what is Valentine's Day to me?  A crappy day of watching other men show the women they love  how much they love them in a cute romantic way.

My testimony, my marriage, and my life today.

I was raised in the church. Accepted Jesus at age 7. Baptized about age 9. Went to church faithfully.  As a teenager I went through the typical 'questioning my faith' phase.  I remember an atheist friend saying "aren't you supposed to be trying to convert me or something?"  I replied "Yeah, but I don't feel strong enough in my faith right now to try it."  Wow, that was humbling and horrifying.   I wish I could say it changed me, but it didn't.

So I went on like that for years.  Coming and going. Straying and coming back.  At 21 I got married.  8 years later, I was questioning my faith even more. Wondering what the point of it all was. Wondering if God was just something we made up to make us feel better.  I was having a hard time seeing him work in my life. Instead, all I saw was how crappy my husband made me feel.  The put-downs. The "teasing" that was actually bullying. I would later learn that all of this was emotional and verbal abuse.   I remember thinking that God wasn't helping me in my marriage, or my life, so what was the point?   Last year my marriage started going south. Worse than ever.  We had had our fair share of hard times. In 12 years of marriage, we had almost separated 3-4 times.  Last year it all came to a head.  I decided to work on my relationship with my husband. I figured it was worth trying, for the sake of our 2 boys. But in trying to work on my relationship with my husband, I discovered that I was working on so many relationships, that something had to give.  I was trying to build a great relationship with my young boys.  They needed me a lot. After all, they are only kids.  I was trying to repair a relationship with my sister, my husbands parents, my friends, on and on it went.  So many.  God took a backseat to this.  My relationship with him faltered, and I just couldn't fathom trying to work on yet another relationship. It was exhausting. Overwhelming. And crushing. 

Well, last May, it all broke down.  My husband and I decided to either split up or try counseling.  The night before our counseling session, I went to church.  I sat there listening to the sermon, my heart heavy.   I poured my heart out in every song I sang.  I begged God for help.    And he answered. More clear than he has ever answered me before.   I saw him, with his arms out open, and he said "It's okay. I'm here for you, when you are ready."  I was blown away and immediately burst into tears.  He sounded so much like the wonderful, loving father everyone had told me was.  And he sounded like me telling my kids "when you are ready to talk, I'm here for you."    I held that with me as we went to counseling the next day.  The counseling session wasn't as productive as I had hoped.  The day after counseling, my husband came to me and said he agreed it would be best if we separated.  I agreed with him. My heart was less heavy as I realized that I would be free of his put-downs, his criticisms, his crap in general.  It was as though a huge weight had been lifted off my chest. 

Soon I began the process of finding my own apartment and figuring out how to live on my own, how to be a single mom, and that goes with it.  During this process, I saw God work in ways that I never thought possible.  He led me to the apartment that I loved.  I consulted a lawyer, just to get an idea of what I needed to do.  I had to take my then 2 year old with me. My 2 year old who didn't nap anymore.  I was shocked to see that he had fallen asleep on the way to the appointment, and even more shocked when he stayed asleep as I moved him from car seat to stroller and then into the appointment. He slept through the entire consultation.  Yeah, that was God.  Over the coming months, I saw God work in so many ways. He eased my transition into single motherhood, the divorce, going back to school, and gave me a total and complete peace about all of it.   And he hasn't left me since.. And I know he never will.  He has provided for my children and me these past 6 months in ways that I can't even describe. Financially, spiritually, emotionally.    And I know he will forever. Because he is just that awesome!

Bullying.. A rock-Awesome story by my 10 year old.

*have I mentioned my kid is AWESOME? :)


My 10 year old is in a public school where bullying is not tolerated at all.  There is a huge no-bullying campaign that goes on all year.  I think it may even be part of the curriculum.  I don't really know. Anyway, here is a story that my son wrote about bullying.


     If I saw someone being bullied I would tell the bully to stop picking on the person. if they still didn't stop then I would go tell an adult. If the person was sad I would tell him to cheer up because the bully was gone. I have never been bullied. I have seen other people get bullied. My little brother has never been bullied either. Sometimes I see my friends get bullied. When my friends get bullied I stand up to the bully. Then when i get bullied they will stand up to the bully. I am glad my little brother has not been bullied. If someone was bulling my brother I would stand up to the person that was bullying my brother. I see bullying  at a lot of places. To me the worst type of bullying is physical bullying. Bullying with words is till bad. I think everyone should stand up to bullying. I think it is good stand up agains bullies. in my opinion bullies are weak people. Most bullies just want to have friends. it is good to have friends, but people do not have to fight for friends. Many bullies are really weak people. I think that bullies should stop picking on people. I think that bullying should be stopped.

A story my 10 year old wrote..

My son's assignment for school was to write a story in which he was a superhero.  Being the extreme Mortal Kombat fan that he is, he drew from that.  This is his story.
I fixed most spelling errors when I typed it, but grammar is his.

 My name is Stryker. I can spit grenades as powerful as a nuke. Explosives do not hurt me. My hand is a gun because I am a cyborg. My best ability is to shoot blue fire and fly. I can also shoot missiles from my stomach. I have a robot form and a human form. I can also trap people in radioactive nets. Stryker can also teleport. In my cyborg form, I can self-destruct. I can shoot lasers from my eyes. My other power is to turn invisible. I have a blade connected to my hand. I can freeze people by looking at their souls. I can also shoot ninja stars from my stomach. My cyborg form looks like a bee colored robot. My human form looks like a swat team member. Stryker is avery powerful. He defeated 100,000 people. He is the champion of fighting. He collects diamonds, rubies, marbles and pearls. If he collects all of the jewels he gets his super form. His best form is my super form. As you can see, Stryker is a very powerful person.

Ahh, gotta love the creative, morbid mind of the 10 year old..